I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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