don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
