Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
