what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
