Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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