Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
