There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
