No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
