Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
