My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
