Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You dont lie about slip and slides
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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