did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
