I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
