I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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