Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
