Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
