I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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