I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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