i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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