billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We need a shit load of segways right now
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
