I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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