Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
