Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize