508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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