He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
