yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
