Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
