a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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