The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
