you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
