Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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