I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
