Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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