He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
