it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
