I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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