i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
