This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
