I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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