she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
