Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
