Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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