Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think your dad took our porno
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
