Redeem this text for a blowjob
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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