The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just threw up on my dentist
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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