dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
