god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
