She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
