that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
