I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
