12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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