i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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