I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
