I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
