Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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