Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
