Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
