My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
