are you so shy because you have an std?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
