yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
