Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
