I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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