just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sext me about skeletons
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
