Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
