I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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